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Re: Extreme Training
For some ideas, I'd lean towards learning a little about youth martial arts. That would make sense for a child who is expected to someday become a great warrior. That, ...
Nov 18, 2012 -
Re: Rosalie Hale
The hair is quite nice. Your stark higlight/shadow contrast makes her hair look like you could reach out and touch it. Your lines, though, are quite stiff. Try loosening and ...
Jan 18, 2012 -
Re: Should parents smack their children?
What developmental psychology has said on the subject: Studies have shown Authoritative (smack as punishment or other harsh punnishments) parenting can be sucessful without squashing a kid's self este
Jan 17, 2012 -
Re: Depersonalisation
This is pretty profound. You describe an unpleasant state of mind so poetically and specifically, yet still preserve the drifting, homeless vibe. From the beginning, when you go in a ...
Nov 30, 2011 -
Re: Fleirzon: Part two
If you missed section one, read spoiler! (Or click through to the novel index and read chapter one, via the tab at top) Her name is Verdeyan. She lives in ...
Nov 28, 2011 -
Re: Battle Of The Hopeless (Chapter 7)
So, firstly, I haven't read the other chapters. (yet.) But, this seems pretty good, even standalone. I like Delem's tone, and your structure. It's very flowing and natural, and you ...
Nov 27, 2011 -
Re: Complexity of Death
This sounds pretty good, so far. Try to go a little more indepth, though. I'd love to feel more of what the character, Chloe, is feeling, thinking, more on her ...
Nov 25, 2011 -
Re: Talking with Distraction
Talking with Distraction Distraction. So fuzzy, so funny. You make me laugh, randomly mentioning the puns in my favorite TV show Or help me write a song in my head ...
Nov 25, 2011 -
Re: Part One: Fleirzon
More info in the spoiler, but if you just want to get down to bussiness, proceed! This is a (intensive!) reworking of the beginning of my old novella Fleirzon... (this ...
Nov 25, 2011 -
Re: Because No One Loves an Ugly Girl Forever
First impressions: It different from most love poetry I've seen. Others tend to go all either "I hate him ex" or "I can't live without him" , and that tends ...
Nov 24, 2011 -
Re: A Brother's Love
This is amazing. For one, I don't tend to see too many stories on romance-y topics from a guy's point of view. Second, the whole idea, of a brother being ...
Nov 24, 2011 -
Re: Listen
What could be done? What should be done? Of silently crying children behind thin walls in the night, who no one sees. No one pauses to listen. To the man ...
Nov 24, 2011 -
Re: Wanderer
This is amazing. I'm glad you're able to voice what's going on inside you through this, you definitely made it haunting. I'm not sure what a few of the lines ...
Sep 8, 2011 -
Re: The Human Invention as seen through the Eyes of F**k
You should use age, not aged, eighteen is one word, no hyphen (etc) Big tip: proofread. Especially when you're going to turn something in for a college assignment, proofread. Also, ...
Sep 8, 2011 -
Re: Post your pics!
Jonalla: Verdeyan:
Aug 12, 2011
